Dream

I had a crazy dream last night. I was supposedly reading this sci-fi book by Philippa Gregory. I think that's funny because she wrote "The Other Boleyn Girl" and I saw that on Netflix yesterday for 1 second. I must have registered it then. Weird! Anyway, the book was about people living on this planet that was habitable in the daytime but at night it got to 70 below. (Which really is fine but there was also some kind of gas or something at night). There was a complex of inflatable/Metrodome type buildings. One night the living building caught on fire, and since the people couldn't go outside they were trapped. One of the people revealed a secret underground residence. It turned out that it was huge. Tons of people lived there, including two of the kids from Real Housewives: New Jersey. They never went outside but they looked healthy.

I think it has potential...what do you guys think? ;)

Danielmocracy

Vote or die!

Don't forget to vote in the election today over on the right side of my page. This is the most important election of Daniel's week. Without your vote, he will not be able to tell me what he saw out the window today.

Look at this poor, confused kitten's face. Could you deny him the ability to communicate about his daily wildlife sightings? I don't think so.

Help save him more confusion and disgust by letting me know what thing was in the courtyard outside my living room.

Thank you.

Guess what?

The tyranny of the 3-month period IS OVER!!! The uterine citizens can breathe freely once again!

::SCREAM::

GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

THESE HORMONE PILLS ARE PUTTING ME THROUGH HELL!!!!!!!

Jesus Fucking Christ! In the past hour alone, I've been laughing, normal, bawling, pissed off, confused, and 14 other things. I have no idea what's going on. I just want it to be tomorrow morning, so I can go to therapy.

I AM SO ANGRY. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. 

Scary book

I just started reading Prozac Nation tonight. It's not unusual to try to compare yourself to someone you're reading about, so I did that immediately, mostly because it started off talking about depression (obviously) and what it feels like to be in it. But then she was mentioning a couple of times she felt happy, and one was a relationship she had. It's difficult to read it because she has the same name as me and her relationship person has the same name as my whatever the hell it was that destroyed my life. I skipped forward and read about that part of her life and it made me cry, a lot. It wasn't like it was exactly the same situation as a whole or anything, but I recognized her thoughts on it as being similar to mine, and ultimately the situation did end up the same, with her/my depression causing the demise of the relationship.

It scares me because in the book, she clearly admits it was completely her fault. The only way I can get through the day is if I pretend it wasn't my fault. I almost convinced myself, too, by sheer repetition. She is far stronger than I am. 

I don't know if I want to keep reading. Yes, I can relate to it a lot, but what good will that do me? He's still gone and I'm still sitting here like I do every single night, crying my head off, a year and a half after all that shit happened. It WAS my fault, because I'm like this. Nobody can and nobody should have to deal with me on a regular basis. It's not a self-esteem problem...I know I'm smart and funny and a great person, but I know I am impossible to be around when I have a depressive episode. 

I can't help it, even though I try really, really fucking hard. When you're depressed, your brain stops. I don't think a lot of people understand that. It's not like I choose or don't choose to do something. It takes 200% of my energy to sit up and open my eyes in the morning, for god's sake. I don't think there's any way for me to describe it. I try so hard to do the right thing and say the right thing. It's just not fair that despite all my gargantuan effort, some people who are close to me end up hating me or pitying me or quitting talking to me.

So anyway, I don't know if I want to read any more because I don't want to see how much crap happened to her and how many people didn't understand her. 

WHAT IS UP PEOPLE

I went to my appointment yesterday at the ol' hospital and it was lame. First of all, the geniuses mailed me instructions that didn't get here until yesterday afternoon. I was really pissed off about that. I had to call and do all that shit and didn't get all the instructions. So I went there and the instructions were completely off. 

Here are the instructions they gave me.

Go in the main entrance. Go to the second floor. Turn left and go to the end of the hallway.

Here's what I had to do.

Go in the main entrance. Go to the second floor. Notice it isn't right because there's a wall on the left. Go to the basement. Walk through a tunnel. Go up to the MAIN floor. Go down a couple hallways. Finally I found the place, but it was not at the end of a hallway. It was in the middle of the hallway and was just two rooms. How are you supposed to check in? Jesus christ. I just kind of stood there for a minute until someone saw me. I felt very happy that I've been to that hospital a million times, because I could glean where to go from the room number.

So then I sat down with this nurse and "got educated" about diabetes. She made me test my blood in front of her and I was so nervous I gave myself a bruise on my finger. The whole time I felt a little talked down to, and I really did not get a great vibe from her. She was nice enough, but I left feeling almost worse than when I came in. Part of it is that she wants me to go in for 9 MORE HOURS. UGH! I felt like fucking shooting myself. Are you serious? And she wouldn't let me say no. She's like "I think your workplace should be fine with it because they want you to be healthy." Did you ever think that I personally don't want to do it? Besides that, I have zero vacation/sick/boss patience hours left because of day treatment.

The whole thing is stupid to me.

The worst part is this. I've been trying not to think about it, but whatever. With PCOS it's difficult to get pregnant, and the nurse yesterday said it would be really dangerous for me to be pregnant. So basically the universe doesn't want me to have kids and it does want me to go blind, lose all my limbs, and die of heart disease at a young age. I'm sort of pushing it to the back of my mind though because if I really thought about it I'd flip out. I hate Pam and Jim now though and I never want to talk about babies ever again. People suck who have no problems getting married and starting a family. I feel like it's really not fair for me. The world revolves around me and my problems. Whine.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore, I'm so pissed off. GO AWAY PLANET AND YOUR STUPID BABIES.

Tired of it

I am tired of having my period. Sorry, those of you who are squeamish about me talking about menstrual cycles. I've been bleeding continuously and steadily for three months now. I honestly don't understand why I haven't died. I guess human bodies make a lot of blood in a day. This makes me wonder something. Where does the old blood go? Or do you just make blood when you've lost some? These are the questions that fill my mind.

 

I have to take 5 pills a day now. The birth control was supposed to make the bleeding stop, but it hasn't. It's only made me nauseated for the first week and a half and then extremely and violently emotional since then. I can't believe it can do that. The pill is about half a centimeter in diameter. What the hell is in that thing? And why am I taking it if it's only doing something bad? The diabetes pills just make my stomach hurt, and I don't really know what they are supposed to do (benefit-wise). When I take those pills I feel like I am performing the most useless task ever conceived of. I already skipped like 5 out of 10 or something.

 

I have to go to the hospital tomorrow again for a meeting with some diabetes person. I hate the idea of it. Honestly I would rather ignore this whole thing. Besides the fact that I'm averaging an appointment every 2 weeks or so, I just don't care about it. In fact, I want it to make me sicker. I sort of feel like I deserve it. Yeah, I know I have to take care of it, blah blah blah, and I don't deserve it, etc.

 

Sorry if I haven't been that talkative to anybody outside of the internet recently. I just don't really feel like talking to anyone.

H1N1 quotes reposted for phel's benefit

Yesterday the AVCats all started saying swine flu jokes for some reason, and I felt they were too good not to share (but only in alphabetical order). These are the product of just an hour...a brief hour, gone in the blink of an eye, of the converging of the minds of people who know everything about pop culture (aka the Hive Brain).

"Because it is my swine flu! Because I cannot have another in this life!"
"I have become swine flu, destroyer of worlds"
"The Policy of Flu"
"We have Swine Flu working on it now" "Who?" "Swine...Flu"
"Where's swine flu? Where's swine flu?"
....I see swine flu!...
>>puffs<< you've come a long way, swineflu
1.21 jigowatts of swine flu!
12 Angry Swine
5...5 dollar...5 DOLLAR SWINE FLU
A Good Swine is Hard to Flu (by Flannery O'Connor)
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Swine
A Rush of Flu to the Head
A Swine Flu-preme
A Tale of Flu Cities
Achilles Last Flu
Ad astra per alia porci
All of this has swine flu before and all of this will swine flu again.
all work and no play makes jack a dull swine flu. all work and no play makes jack a dull swine flu.all work and no play makes jack a dul ...
And she's buying a swine flu to heaven.
and swineflu, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, is not often to be found in Washington D.C.
And that's why you always leave a swine flu.
Aporkalypse Now
Ask not what your swine flu can do for you, ask what you can do for your swine flu.
Babe I'm Gonna Swine Flu
Ball Park Swine Flu: they plump when you cook 'em.
Bite my shiny metal swine flu!
Blame Mexico! Blame Mexico!
Bob had Swine Flu.
Brandenflu Concerto
Brave New Flu
Bring Me The Head of the Next Swine Flu Victim
Call me Swine Flu.
choosy moms choose swine flu
Communication Swine Flu
damn the man, save the swine flu!
Dazed and Swine Flu
Der Zamberflu
Did you fuck my swine? Look at me. Did you fuck my swine?
divertimento for swine flu in d major
Don't tell me not to get swine flu! Live together, die of swine flu alone.
E pluribus swine flu
Eine Kleine Nacht-Swine Flu
Et tu, Swine Flu?
fat, drunk, and infected with swine flu, is no way to go through life, son
First Swine Flu came for the Polish, and I did not speak.
Follow the yellow swine flu!
Fool in the Swine Flu
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to have the swine flu.
For Whom The Swine Flu Tolls
Forget about it Jake, it's Swine Flu
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a swine flu.
Frankly, swine flu, I don't give a damn.
Fuck the swine flu, Jim said it with authority
Generation Of Swine (Flu)
Get away from her, you swine flu!
Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'. Of swine flu.
GET YOUR HOOFS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY SWINE FLU.
Give a man a pig, and feed him for a day. Give a man swine flu, and feed him for life.
GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME SWINE FLU!
GOD BLESS YOU, AND GOD BLESS AMERI--SWINE FLU
Gravity's Swineflu
great minds have swine flu.
Heaven...I'm in heaven...Because I caught the the swine flu and it killed me!
Heeeeeeeeere's swine flu!
Hello......is it swine flu you're looking for?
Hemingway: Swine Flus of Africa; Metallica: Swine Flu (The Black Album)
Hey Dirtay/Baby I got your swine flu/ don't you worry/dirtay
Houses of the Swine Flu
Houston, we have a swine flu.
Hwæt! We Swine flu in geardagum
I am Arthur Frayne, and I am swine flu.
I ate his liver with some swine flu and a nice Chianti
I can't believe it's not swine flu!
I could dance with you until the pigs come home. Actually, I'd rather dance with the pigs till you come home.
I coulda been somebody! I coulda been a swine flu!
I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been swine flu, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it.
I don't have swine flu, I'm just drawn that way
I drink your swine flu! I drink it up!
I feel the need - the need for swine flu!
I got a letter from the government the other day, I opened and read it, it said they were swine flu.
I have always depended on the kindness of swine flu
I just wanted to tell you both swine flu, we're all counting on you.
I know it was you, Fredo! YOU GAVE ME SWINE FLU.
I like big swine flus and I cannot lie...
I love the smell of swine flu in the morning
I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the Swine Flu States of America!
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by swine flu, starving hysterical naked
I swear tell the swine flu, the whole swine flu, and nothing but the swine flu.
I Wanna Hold Your Swine Flu
Ich bin ein Swine Flu
If it has swine flu, we can kill it.
if you build it, swine flu will come
I'm gettin' too old for this swine flu!
I'm gonna make him a swine flu he can't refuse
I'm here to chew swine flu and kick ass, and I'm all outta swine flu!
I'm mad as swine flu, and I won't take any more!
In a New Pork State of Swine
In My Time of Swine Flu
In Swine Flu, nobody can hear you scream.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And God said, "Let there be swineflu," and there was swineflu.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of swine flu
It was Swine Flu at first sight
It was the best of Flus, it was the worst of Swines.
It's all right cause I'm saved by the...It's all right cause I'm saved by the...It's all right cause I'm saved by the swine flu!
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe...attack ships on fire off the shores of swine flu.
La Dolce Porco
La swine flu e bella
Let's put a pignose on that face!
let's put a swineflu on that face
Life is like a box of swine flu.
Live together, die of swine flu
Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the swine flu!
Love in the Time of Swine Flu
love means never having to say swineflu
LUKE, I AM YOUR SWINE FLU!
Madness? THIS. IS. SWINE FLU!
Mama always said life is like a box of swine flu.
MANOS: The Hooves of Fate
March of the Pigs (who have the flu)
Meet the flu boss…same as the cold boss
Miles Davis' "Swine of Flu"
Misty Mountain Swine Flu
My kingdom for a swine flu!
Nineteen Eighty-Swine Flu
No interest is good unless it must vest if at all not later than 21 years after some life in being at the creation of the swine flu.
NO...WIRE...SWINE FLUS!!!!
Nobody's Fault But Swine
Nosferswineflu
Not with a bang, but with... swine flu.
Now is the swine flu of our discontent
Of my friend I can say only this: of all the souls I've encountered in my travels, his was the most......SWINE FLU
Oh Swine Flu, you came and gave without taking
One Hundred Years of Swine Flu
OPEN THE SWINE FLU DOORS HAL!
Pig A
Pride and Prejudice and Swine Flu
Quoth the swine flu: "Nevermore!"
Read my lips: no more swine flu.
ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT! GYPSY! TOM SERVO! SWINE FLUUUUUUUUUU!
S.W.I.N.E. by the Flu-Tang Clan
Sartre's "Etre et Grippe Porcine"
save the cheerleader, save the swine flu
Secret's in the swine flu!
Semper swine flu
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Swine Flu Band
Sic Transit Swine Flu...Swine Flu Fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending, the swine flu, harried for years on end...
Slaughterhouse swine
SOYLENT GREEN IS SWINE FLU!
Stairway to Swine Flu
Swine and Punishment
Swine Flu 2: Electric Boogaloo
Swine Flu from the Underground
SWINE FLU IN THE MORNING, SWINE FLU IN THE EVENING, SWINE FLUE AT SUPPER TIME...WITH SWINE FLU ON A BAGEL, YOU CAN HAVE SWINE FLU ANYTIME.
Swine flu is it!
SWINE FLU IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE!
Swine Flu Karenina
swine flu knows what you did last summer.
Swine Flu Phone Home
Swine flu saved my life tonight.
Swine flu smelled like trees.
swine flu, for lack of a better word, is good.
Swine flu, steaming mad at dirt!
Swine Flu, Swine Flu, wherefore art thou Swine Flu?
Swine Flu, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Swine flu...completes...me.
Swine flu: takes a licking and keeps on ticking!
Swine flu's on first, SARS is on second, and cancerAIDS is on third.
Swineberry Flu Forever
swineflu is 10% inspiration 90% perspiration
Swineflu, light of my life, fire of my loins
Swine-ing in the Flu
Swinesiac
Swine-Y-Aur Flu
Take the swine flu. Leave the cannolis.
That'll do, Swine Flu. That'll do.
That's why there ain't a repo man I know who don't have swine flu.
The Airborne Swine Flu Event
The Days of Swine and Roses
The first rule of swine flu is: do not talk about swine flu.
The greatest trick swine flu ever pulled was convincing the world it didn't exist.
The next person still in the running for America's Next Top Swine Flu is...
The swine flu ate your baby!
THE SWINE FLU IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING.
The Swine Flu is out there.
The Swine Flu of Lot 49
The Swine/11 Report.
The Unbearable Swineness of Flu
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE SWINE FLU.
They may take our freedom, but they may never take... OUR SWINE FLU!
this could be the start of a beautiful epidemic.
This speech is my recital, Swine flu is very vital/ To rock a rhyme, that's right on swine/ It's Tricky is the title, here we go...
This swine flu is TOAST!
This..............is American Swine Flu!
Though this be madness, yet there is swine flu in't
Thus Spake Swineathustra
Tis nobler to cough upon thee, or shall I be discreet?
To be or not to be, that is the question, because I have swine flu
To go where no swine flu has gone before!
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this swine flu from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time...
Toto, I have a feeling were not in Mexico anymore.
Transformers: more than meets the swine flu!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference, because I caught swineflu.
Vicky Cristina Swine Flu
Waiter, there's a swine in my flu!
Wake up, time to die...of swine flu!
WELCOME TO EARF...swine flu!
Welcome to swine flu country.
We're gonna need a bigger swine flu.
Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote / The droghte of swine flu hath perced to the roote
What light thru yonder window breaks? It is the East, and swine flu is the sun.
What? No fuckin swineflu now?
What's your name? Kunta Kinte! What's your name? .........Swine flu.
When the Swine Flu Breaks
Where we're going we don't need swine flu vaccinations!
Where's swine flu, Stringer? Where's swine flu?!!
Who Watches The CDC??...when they administer swine flu vaccinations? (ok that one is a stretch.)
Why so swine flu?
with a name like swine flu, it has to be good
Won't Get Flu-d Again
Would swine flu by any other name smell so... ewww...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SWINE FLU!
You chose swine flu, you live with swine flu
You down with P.I.G.? Yeah you know me!
You ever dance with the swine flu in the pale moonlight?
You're going to need a bigger needle.
You got your swine in my flu! You got your flu in my swine!
You had me at swine flu.
YOU'VE BEEN DATING THE REAL SWINE FLU THE WHOLE TIME!