My worlds are colliding

Tonight, my favorite person, Chelsea Handler, is interviewing my least favorite person, Katy Perry. I'll let you know how it goes and how much my head explodes.

Problems

Today I was thinking about eating habits and I realized that I go into hypoglycemia almost every day, sometimes twice a day. I am a little concerned about it because diabetes runs in both sides of my family. Tons of people have it in my family, including both of my parents to an extent (neither have full-blown diabetes)

For one thing, it's really annoying to be having this constantly because it basically makes me not function. I went to the grocery store today and it took ALL of my energy. Obviously if I eat something it goes away, but I've been noticing increasingly that the things that help it the most are extreme sugary things, which isn't good.

Obviously, again, my eating habits haven't been great lately because my mood has been so extremely bad. One of the first things to go for me is healthy eating because I don't feel like worrying about that.

Also, another thing that goes right away for me is eating at all. A lot of times I just don't want to. So basically I'm eating crappy food and only when I have to. I think that part of my problem is I need to eat more regularly, but it's still a little scary since it happens to me all the time.

I was thinking about it today because I was like "Well, I better go home because I'm about to go into hypoglycemia soon." That suddenly struck me as really not right.

Programming

An annoyed rant about Microsoft, which I don't usually do

Please pay no attention if you don't care

A guy at work asked me if I could figure out something in Excel which involves writing a macro. The macros are written in Visual Basic for Applications (VBA), which I think is different than regular Visual Basic and is for sure different from VBScript, which I'm most familiar with. I have been doing a lot of stuff at work with VBScript because one of our programs uses it to do things. I don't really like it but I don't have a choice. My main problem with it is just its structure, which seems stupid to my brain.

This is oversimplifying it, but to me there are two types of language: the Microsoft type and the C/Java type. I learned Java first, so it makes a lot of sense to me. It has a lot of punctuation in it. Microsoft types don't have any punctuation so it just seems stupid to me. Here's something in VBScript.

If x > 0 then

do something

end if

Here's something in PHP, which is the language I know best.

if (x > 0) {

do something;

}

Anyway VBA is a piece of crap. First of all, I cannot figure out the editor that's built into Excel. There are helpful hints which may or may not show up depending on where you click and what you have selected and what you had for lunch. You can record a macro, which is similar to Photoshop actions, where you hit record and then it records the actions you do and then you can modify them or use them to do tasks quickly. But the recording a macro thing seemed like it was making it way too difficult. So I set out to try to figure out how to write what I need to do, because it's not that hard.

First of all, I should be able to find a complete manual online. No such thing for VBA. I managed to get a downloadable version which doesn't really work correctly.

Secondly, wtf??? The manual has nothing in it! It has the same stuff that's in the "helpful hints", but how am I supposed to know where anything is? Most manuals are set up logically. For instance, they have functions grouped by what they're for - numbers, text, whatever. Then you click on that and you can see a list of functions, which usually have a short description by them, and at least you can probably tell what they do by their names. The VBA one has it alphabetically. What the hell? I have no idea what my thing is called that I need. Further, I do not know what they are called because I'm dealing with cells and crap, and I don't have any idea how to refer to them. Another thing that I have a major problem with: most manuals have a basic syntax thing as well as basic things you need to know, like how to say something is not equal to something! I CANNOT find how to say not equal. And it apparently isn't !=, which is how you do it in VBScript. That gave me an error.

I feel really lost right now. And annoyed, because of the fact that they don't include how to say not equal in their stupid language. Why isn't everything immediately accessible to me whenever I want it?

I realize it's probably because no Microsoft thing is open source, but you'd think that the manual would at least be available and halfway decent. Seriously, I don't think I can use it at all.

Pop

I was just thinking about how funny pop is, especially in restaurants. In basically every restaurant ever, you can have cola, diet cola, some sort of citrus, some sort of clear lemon-lime, and maybe a Dr. Pepper and/or root beer type.

 

Emily, in Korea did you ever see carbonated milk? That sounds like quite possibly the most disgusting beverage on earth.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milkis

Internet problems

My radio show starts at 12:30, and the taping is scheduled to start at 12:28. Well, last night at 12:26 the internet went out. I reset the modem - nothing. Then I restarted my computer and it totally freaked out. It looked like it was in safe mode, but it wasn't. Long story short - I didn't get to tape the radio show. But, the internet was back working this morning (guessing it was some kind of Comcast outage). So I'll have 2 to listen to tomorrow. It's funny because my mom called last night upset about her computer. It's hard enough to tell people what to do over the phone, but it's even harder when they don't know what they're talking about. My mom thinks a virus caused her computer to shut off an not turn on again. I was trying to tell her that viruses don't do that and it sounds like a power surge or a problem with electricity, but she doesn't believe me. I tried to find a polite way to ask if everything was plugged in, but whatever. Anyway my computer did an empathy freak out. It's still kind of messed up now, but not too bad. It just needs rest and some cleanup.

Decision

I don't like the My Morning Jacket album. It's like a not good combination of The Darkness and Ryan Adams, but in 1981. There is one song that is ok, but that's it.

The kitten is funny today.

Jan. 20

I feel like there's a lot that I want to write, but I don't feel like writing it. Well, I'll give it a go and we'll see where I end up.

Through Candy's Twitter page I happened upon Paula Poundstone's Twitter page. Here's something she wrote during the inauguration today that made me laugh a lot. "This poet is making me nervous. I wish they'd gotten a limerick guy. 'There was a black guy from Hawaii... To the oil man good-bye-ee'"

Aretha Franklin's hat was ridiculous today.

I'm watching First 48 and they're saying that Black is a common code name in the black community. I wonder what my nickname would be if I had one. Pasty comes to mind if we're going by appearances. This also reminds me of something I want to talk about when I get done with Eat Pray Love. I hope I don't forget. Here's another guy named Zo (short for Lorenzo). Original - I like it. But it's more like a nickname instead of a code name.

My teacher is on facebook and I became friends with her today. What do I do? I feel sort of obligated to say something to her, but I don't know what to say. What a weird situation. Plus, it's not really like I can just jot something down, because it takes me a minute to write in Icelandic. I guess maybe I'll say it's good to see you and nice picture, or something.

Today I decided on a topic for my memoirs that I always write in my head. Relief out of pop culture. I was thinking at some point today how I am just obsessed with pop culture and I really base my whole life around it. It was never more apparent than in my group today.

Today it was just me and the two much older people (who both said today they are in their 60s). I am slightly warming up to the guy, but the woman is so drastically different. For one thing, she is not depressed at all. She suffers from anxiety, so she says, but really I am not sure it's anything. The guy is depressed, which is why I feel like I have more in common with him. The woman reminds me of my grandma, especially because some of her views on religion and politics seeped out today. She is very church-going and very Republican. I couldn't believe that she actually started talking about politics during two of our groups. She went the whole route of "There are terrorist cells in America. We're actually renting houses to them!" She expected us to go "Yeah, I know!" I won't get into that now.

Side note. My mom sent me an email earlier today and I didn't reply because I was running around. She just sent one again just now that was all frantic. She thought something was wrong. She is so weird sometimes. She could have just called. I think her mind runs away from her sometimes.

Anyway the groups were really awkward today. I am so ready to be done, I think. But one positive is the ridiculous nurse is done. I had forgotten she was just filling in for someone.

Oh! At therapy on Sat. I was talking about this issue about how I'm so much younger than anyone. Sheena said "Why do you think that is?" I said kind of jokingly "Because I'm so incredibly mature!" She said seriously "Yes." And then she said she knew as a fact that that was the reason I wasn't put into the younger groups, because there are some. That made me feel pretty good. I mean, considering I was able to still keep my job as well as actually work there was a big thing in and of itself. I still have yet to meet anyone who has a job or isn't on leave. I didn't really see it as a choice, though.

Anyway I have been feeling really good in the past couple of weeks. I think it's a good time for me to stop the program and get back into full time work. Full time work will be far more of a challenge.

I think that's all I wanted to say. Goodbye.

Grammys/Grammies

I was looking at Grammy nominations the other day, and noticed that Katy Perry was nominated for "Best Female Vocal Pop Performance Plus Five More Words I Can't Remember". WHY??!?! She is SO bad. Ok, let's go through this category, in which I really don't love any of the songs.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance 
(For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.)

Chasing Pavements - Adele

I hate this song, but I will admit that she has a good voice.

Love Song - Sara Bareilles
Same thing.

Mercy - Duffy
Same thing. Her vibrato is crazy. She has a newer song that they play on BBC that I like a lot despite the ridiculous vibrato, and on my radio show they were saying it sounds like she's singing while sitting on a washing machine. 

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
Her voice is really good, and I like the "company she keeps" in the music business.

I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
This has absolutely no business being in this category. Fact. 

So What - Pink
I really don't like this song either, but whatever.

If Katy Perry wins, I will be filled with deep distrust and anger towards the music business for years to come.

Other "highlights":

Kid Rock in the Best Male Pop Vocal Plus 5 Other Words category and Best Rock Album (but mostly the first one)

L'i'l' W'a'y'n'e' in Best Album

For the rest of it, I don't see too many horrible things. The Katy Perry one just made me exclaim out loud. I was happy to see there weren't too many of those really horrible rap songs. The ones I did see and know were ones I could potentially get behind.

Side Note: My Morning Jacket is giving me mixed feelings. They were nominated for a Grammy, but some reviews I've heard/read say it's so poseur it's unlistenable. I am still a little bit indifferent towards it. I haven't listened enough.

Coldplay was nominated for 7 Grammys. Good job. It seemed like one of the highest numbers this year if not the highest. I can't be bothered to actually look. They had album and song ones for overall and rock, as well as group vocals for both and I guess another one somewhere. Also Death Cab got 2. Radiohead got a whole bunch as well, which I thought was neat.

Wellllll, time for me to go not clean up some more. Tootaloo!

Additional Complaint

As a person who uses the internet at least 10 hours a day, and also occasionally designs websites, I have a complaint. I submit that many if not most websites are currently being designed out of the scope of current browsers.

 

I just went to two pretty well-known websites. One took 5 minutes to load each page because there was so much crap and the other one caused all the content to disappear after a few seconds.

 

Yes, there is something to be said for cool looks, but you hear "This website is slow" far more than you hear "This website is ugly". Further, you almost never hear "This website is technologically not as advanced as many others."

 

There are many ways to design a website that don't include ridiculous scripts that run for 5 minutes after you open the page, thus stalling the browser. More importantly, there are many ways to avoid having your content disappear. Primarily that involves doing basically any code a normal developer would do.

 

The moral of the story is: keep it simple and test websites. Nothing pisses me off more than a website that doesn't work, because much of my career has involved testing or fixing websites in some capacity. If you're going to build something and not check it on something other than the newest Firefox on a Mac, it's not worth my patronage.

Ugh

My old boss is so f-ing annoying.

Also

I think I offended the therapist when I was talking today about all my issues with parenthood. I also was talking about religion nonstop. I think that therapy should be a place where you shouldn't be afraid to talk about anything, and usually I'm not, but with that one guy there and a look I got from the therapist today, it was a little iffy. She gave the look when I said "It doesn't take a particular skill to have kids." I then added that it takes skill to be a parent, but not to actually have kids.

Foot in mouth disease...

Signs that I'm ready to be finished

I've gone down to 2 days a week at treatment. I think it's the right time for that. All but one of the original people are gone. The girl I was most friendly with left last week. The other guy that's left said he thinks she got involved in a new relationship and has false happiness. I hope she stays ok. Today was extremely awkward. There is a new guy who is quite a bit older. He's really intimidating and I don't feel comfortable around him at all. Buddhist girl wasn't there today, thank goodness. There is also this other woman who is quite a bit older, like in her 60s. I feel like I have absolutely nothing in common with her. Even our reasons for being there are very different. Sometimes I wonder how I always end up in places where there is nobody like me. At work there are a few people my age, but they have drastically different lives (married, etc). At treatment there was only one girl who was my age, but she was married. The rest of the people are at least 20 years older. I guess maybe I should be happy about "getting it out of the way" in my 20s. I don't anticipate ever having to go back. Maybe I should make an attempt to find places where there are people who are similar to me.

I'm reading a book called "Eat Pray Love". It's crazy how much I identify with the book. Of course, there are many things I don't identify with, such as the praying aspect. However, the parts I relate to are really powerful. I'll write more about it when I finish.

I was up late last night reading and today was horrible at work because of it. For one thing, it was 64 in my cube. I had my coat and scarf on. Then I was super tired. I can hardly believe that I actually managed to get some work done.

Parenthood

The other day I was looking around and found that two of the AV Club writers are married and have 2 kids. I was looking at the wife's blog and it struck me as extremely pretentious. I don't really like her very much anymore (I didn't really have an opinion before). Here is part of something she wrote on motherhood.

I don't want to say that because I'm a mother, I know something or have experienced something so profoundly linked to womanhood that no one who hasn't borne a child can possibly be a complete woman (or a complete person). I think a lot of discussion of motherhood is like that.

On the other hand, those experiences -- of pregnancy, and especially of nursing -- have changed me profoundly. They've given me something that I didn't have before. Did I lack before? Was I incomplete? No. But it's nonetheless true that I was then a person with a capacity to have those experiences, and now I am a person who's had them. Two different people, connected by potential-into-actuality.

The baby I'm carrying now will be my last. As I was out walking in the almost-hot sunshine of an Arkansas early May, I wished for a moment that I could carry her forever. I remember so well missing Archer inside me after he was born. Part of that is fear; as long as the baby is still in my womb, I can take perfect care of her. After she's a separate person, all kinds of things can go wrong. But now I know that even that change is a gradual process. She'll be intimately connected to me through nursing for a long time -- years, if she wants it -- and for several months, I'll be providing all her nourishment, and some large portion of her comfort and love. She'll grow away from me and into herself slowly. Too fast, but slowly.

Being a mother is about being connected in a way that sometimes is wonderful, sometimes is a burden, but all the time is unlike any other connection on earth. I wasn't incomplete without it. But I'm certainly different with it. We call it "mother love," but those words never helped me conceptualize or understand what that connection really is. 

But it seems that, as hard as we try to illustrate the connection, to give telling examples and construct a phenomenology of that love, you only get it if you get it. We all have mothers. But we don't all have children. And the connection doesn't work as reliably the other way, although some people, I know, feel it. All we can do is keep trying to communicate it, because the trivializing of that connection, and our alarming ability to extract other human beings from it, as if they don't have mothers and children of their own, is what leads to the crap we've been watching on the news all week -- the ease with which we act as if there is no such connection for others, let alone for ourselves. 

The Enlightenment gave us wonderful gifts, wonderful realizations, wonderful and indispensable tools for thinking through our world and ourselves. But it also gave us an individualism that routinely denies the sort of connection I, as a mother, feel in my bones every day. A mixed legacy, indeed.

I'm sorry, but this kind of thing just upsets me so much. I understand she says she's not thinking that she's better than everyone else who's not a mother, but really, I believe she is thinking that. It's so unbelievably superior. And even if she isn't thinking it, many people do.

What if someone can't have a child? What are those people supposed to do? I think these types of people would probably pity those people.

I am probably reacting way too strongly, and who knows what I'd think if I were to have children. I'd probably have similar feelings, but I sure as hell will never think I'm better than anyone else because I produce eggs that can be fertilized and grow into another person. It takes no skill whatsoever to have a baby, and I'd rather be valued and feel good about myself because I'm good at computer stuff.

Like I said, I know I'm overreacting and reading too far into what she's saying, but I know there's a vein of truth in all of this, and the whole having kids thing has been getting on my nerves a lot lately.

I was telling my therapist that I frequently feel like parenthood is this exclusive club, and when you're not in it, you basically shouldn't exist on earth. "You just don't know what it's like" and that kind of thing, such as what is in the paragraphs above. There are many subliminal messages in life that seem to give that kind of message, that if you don't have kids you're not a worthy person and shouldn't bother befriending people with kids (aka the better people). Then when you have kids, you can cross over into this wonderful, beautiful land where everything is gorgeous and you understand everything, and have this immense love for your kids that only a mother can understand.

I think a lot of my problem with it is that I DO feel like an inferior person. I believe all the stuff in my mind about it. I sobconsciously believe what AV Club moms write and when my stepmother says 20 times a day how she wants grandkids.

I wonder if I'm more sensitive to this because of my workplace. Almost everyone I work with has kids and that's really all I hear about there besides work stuff. I feel really left out pretty often. At least they don't talk about how great God is. Then you'd be reading about how annoyed I am with that.

Frost

I really like the word and idea of frost. That's all.

Hey, shut up!

There is this girl in my group at the hospital that is so annoying (said in my best Chelsea Lately voice). She is the most pretentious, annoying, won't shut up person ever. She's 40 or so and she's been there maybe 4 or 5 times.

She is constantly talking about Buddhism and meditation. This in itself is fine, but I swear to God if he exists that I will never do anything with Buddhism just because this girl annoys me so much. That might be a little bit harsh, but I was there not long ago so it's fresh in my brain. Really the problem is that she says things in a way that implies her way is the correct way. "I always do this or that." It is really hard for me not to roll my eyes out of my head.

Here is an example. I was talking about sleep issues and I said that I have been trying to get to sleep without taking any sleep aid, because I've been taking sleep aids for a little over a year. She goes, "I always meditate before I go to sleep." What am I supposed to say to that? I know she's (probably) trying to help, but the way she said it didn't really leave any room for a response.

Then I was mentioning finding something to eat for lunch and she goes, "Make a sandwich on whole wheat or get organic pop-tarts." What the hell? She's on the Today Show now? Who says that? I didn't say anything about trying to find a healthy option. I just said I wanted to eat "something" because I keep on going into glycemic shock. What if I like rye better? Or what if I don't have $8 to spend on one pop-tart? Not to mention, I DIDN'T ASK FOR ADVICE! That just struck me as really weird for some reason, even though it isn't a huge deal at all. I am hyper-sensitive to everything she says, which is a lot, because she never stops talking, even during everyone else's turn.

She's sooooo annoying! The other day she was talking about some book she was reading and in my mind I was shouting "You are so full of shit!" I'm glad she's getting help and whatever, but my god. Can't you take my not-so-subtle hints that I don't want your advice to meditate, eat organic oats for lunch, and never watch television?

Today she got everyone into a discussion about crap like that, television and "stuff" and how young people in their 20s are stupid and don't value life. I really wanted to remind them that I am 26, but I didn't say anything. They're all in their 40s or older now, since some people have left. I actually got kind of offended by the discussion because of that and because they got into this territory of how people who believe in God are basically better. I didn't say anything about that either because I just didn't want to get into it. Also I didn't really know what to say.

I said at the time that I was annoyed and was going to write about it, so here I am.

They were all just talking about how spirituality (aka believing in God) makes their lives have meaning, and they don't understand how people who don't have meaning exist in life. The therapist was almost the worst one because he was talking about a group of younger people that he has, and they don't know what their purpose in life and he doesn't know how they are moving forward in life. I am not sure if he knows how old I am, because I'm the same age as that group. Everyone was like "I feel great when I pray" and "Praying gives me a purpose in life". Honestly, I thought it was all bullshit. Ok, I believe that it makes THEM feel good, and more power to them. But I do not understand a single solitary thing about feeling better by praying. The therapist said that "even atheists can understand" this thing we were talking about (A Deepak Chopra thing). In my mind I was like "Oh, even the lowly garbage of the earth atheists?" I really wanted to say "I'm an atheist" but I felt that a) I didn't want to be murdered, and b) I think I'm more of an agnostic, I guess.

Buddhist girl said something about how she's also Catholic and blah blah blah. Oh, she's going to the Zen Center in Stillwater this week. Whoop-de-do. Christ. Great that you're going, but just don't mention it every 27 seconds.

I don't know, I guess I just took offense to the implication that I don't or shouldn't have a reason to exist because I'm young and don't believe in God.

Another thing that's kind of related, that I have been thinking about recently is kids. Society is obsessed with kids and I feel like if you don't have kids you're shunned. A lady in my group was like "My meaning in life is my kids". The thing about that is, it's great and I actually really like that idea, but it's the reverse of it that gets me, when you DON'T have kids. At this point in my life, kids are nowhere on my radar and I keep feeling like I don't have a right to exist on the planet or something. Ok, so propagation of species is the #1 reason for existence, but as far as I know, we're humans and can ponder our existence, and we should be able to get past lame-o INSTINCTS.

2008: The Year In Elizabeth

2008 was a year in which I existed. I was there the entire time (not even exaggerating). Here are some noteworthy things I observed while being alive the entirety of the year of Our Lord and Savior 2008. P.S. Were you aware? Jesus was not born in the year 0 because whoever figured out the calendar calculated wrong. He was born 4 years earlier or later.

That’s Entertainment!

I discovered some new music, including Mark Ronson, Cass McCombs, Jens Lekman, Band of Horses, Iron and Wine, Mates of State, Jeremy Messersmith, MGMT, David Cook, and last but not least, MIA. I further enjoyed already known artists such as The Streets and Sigur Rós.

I attended some shows. These included Sigur Rós in September, Coldplay in November, Jimmy Eat World at a time I don’t remember, and probably Death Cab at some point, but I’m not sure. Hey Laura, you should look at the Ben article currently on AVC. Ben doesn’t look like himself!!

2008 was a year that included a lot of radio listening. I listened to much more of The Current and 700% more of MPR talk radio than I ever had before. However, that would technically be zero because I listened to zero before and 0 x infinity = 0. So I listened to quite a bit more of MPR and NPR, which are similar. This all started right after Laura and Michael’s wedding because I was so bored driving in the car for 27,000 hours that I turned it on and noticed that I liked it. I also reacquainted myself with a BBC show I listened to when I worked at the library a few years ago. I can’t listen to it at work so I record it every night and then listen at work.

I can’t really remember any movies I particularly liked or didn’t like, except I guess Slumdog Millionaire, because I just saw it. I guess I liked the X-Files movie. That’s funny that I hardly remember going to that.

For television, I’ve just really enjoyed Gossip Girl and Chelsea Lately. I watch Chelsea Lately religiously, as well as The Soup. I’m also enjoying Lost and Battlestar Galactica. I watch a lot of television, but I only really look forward to those I mentioned.

Also, I watched every submarine movie I could find.

In May I bought a piano. It connects to my computer. Not much else I can say about that. I love it.

Everybody’s Working For The Weekend

Work was very difficult for me all year until about October. At the beginning of the year we still had DeAndre. A lot of problems arose just from his presence. Then he got laid off in February, along with a lot of other people. Things were a tiny bit better for a while. Then my boss started to gradually overtake my life. It got to the point where I couldn’t even stand being around her for one minute. I became extremely bitter. I started to look for a job in July or so and had a few interviews, but then my bosses found out I was looking and asked if I wanted to move to a different area. I said yes, though I was hesitant at first. I just wanted to completely leave. In retrospect, moving was the best thing I could have done. My job is about 15 million times better than it was. I actually enjoy it. It’s much more challenging, and my boss now actually values me, and I feel like I’m doing something that’s more “necessary”, for lack of a better word. It’s absolutely amazing how much better my job is for the simple fact that I don’t have to ever talk to my old boss anymore. I am also doing more coding now (and looking at code). (Reading it, not just looking).

Something that happened around the same time I was having the most trouble was a bizarre argument with Nancy and Joel, which ended up with me sorting it out with Joel not long afterwards and Nancy not talking to me since that time. I’m still not quite sure why she got that upset, but I’ll talk more about that later.

I think I’d categorize my Icelandic class as work. I was pretty well into it for the first 7 months or so and then my teacher disappeared. I attempted to contact her for a while, but I never heard anything and my course wasn’t getting updated. So, I just received my diploma for level 2 the other day. I’m not sure if I’ll sign back up or not. I was a little perturbed by the whole disappearance. Especially because I paid for the class and she wasn’t upholding her end of the “bargain”.

Going To The Chapel/Lakeshore

August 1 was the wedding of Laura and Michael. It was really pretty and fun, and it was great to get away from the cities. The wedding preparations were a little bit stressful for me (though nothing like it was for them, I’m sure). It all turned out great, though. That’s going to be a really fun memory for me. My favorite part of the wedding was the reception, except for the speech I gave. I was really honored to be the “best woman” and I hope I lived up to the task.

After that I visited Emily’s cabin along with Sarah and Brighton. That was a good vacation that I really needed. My favorite part of that vacation was the pizza place that we went to where a Playboy Bunny worked. ;) I also liked that I got tan and I wore sunblock.

Suicide is Painless

The reason I was taking a while to write this is because of  my whole ordeal of the last two months. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to write about it in my blog. However, nobody reads this, and I figure it might be good to write it all out once.

I have been seeing a therapist for probably almost a year now, and so she (Sheena) knows me pretty well. In October I sort of took a downturn depression-wise. Sarah and I went to Nate’s Halloween party and I drank too much there, and as a result of that I had a total breakdown while I was there. Looking back I think that was the “beginning of the end”. Progressively over the next week I got really bad and the next time I went to see Sheena (Nov. 1) I couldn’t even talk and she made me go to the ER.

That experience was weird. I asked my dad to come up here and take me, so he did. I had to sit in a room by myself for a long time. I felt bad for making my dad come up here. I don’t know. They asked me a lot of questions and mostly they were about suicidal thoughts, which I was sort of having, but didn’t feel like I was going to act on them. I guess they deemed me fine but they said I should go to a treatment program. They also gave me another medication.

I didn’t really want to go to treatment because it meant I had to miss a ton of work. But after talking it over with 279 people I decided to go. My boss has been really nice about it.

The treatment is good. Pretty much what it is is a group of people that go to visit various therapists together 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. There is a psychotherapist, an occupational therapist, and a nurse. We see the psychotherapist most often and she’s the one I like best. The nurse is really annoying. My group is good for the most part, but they’ve been a little frustrating lately. Mainly it’s because they just decide not to show up whenever they feel like it. It’s ok sometimes, but in certain situations like what I will describe below, it is really difficult.

Two or three weeks ago I found myself in a situation that turned me actually suicidal. I don’t want to discuss what it was but I’ll discuss the circumstances around what happened afterwards. I have never been in that kind of situation before, where I really felt like I was going to do something to myself. It was weird. I didn’t feel like I had control of myself. In my mind I had a plan and was going to get up and do it, but I was really sleepy for some reason so I just sat there for a few minutes instead. Then there was a thought in my head that said I had to call someone. I didn’t actually understand why or have any comprehension about anything except that I was “supposed to” call a suicide hotline. So I got a number up on my computer and I sat there looking at it for like 2 hours. Then I thought I should just wait and I fell asleep. The next day I worked from home and luckily it was Monday so I had treatment. My dad came up again and drove me there. I went in and sobbed the whole 3 hours and after that I went into shock (at least that’s what I call it – therapist said it was denial). I was like, “this is way too much to comprehend”, so I completely quit thinking about it and then I appeared very normal the next day. So what I was talking about earlier, with the people not showing up, a girl that I’m pretty close to wasn’t there on my bad day and the next day she was and I appeared fine. She asked me something about the situation, because it had existed before, and I got internally upset because I didn’t want to go all over it again. I haven’t talked about it since then and I don’t really intend to anytime soon. So it’s stuff like that – it screws up the continuity. There’s another girl that missed like 3 weeks and I couldn’t even talk to her because I was so pissed. She lost the right to give me advice when she didn’t ever show up. (She’s gone for good now). An instance that’s similar to mine happened today with another person. Actually it was VERY similar. And some people were gone, and I know it’s going to be weird tomorrow because he’s going to have to explain it all over (unless he goes into shock or denial).

Anyway, I can easily say that that’s the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Last week Sheena said that usually when that happens, and when people look over the edge and “decide to stay” things start getting better. I’ve been noticing a lot of improvement since I forced myself into shock. At the very least, I feel fine.

As far as what we focus on in treatment, I have a lot of guilt and a lot of anger towards myself. Part of my treatment was learning how to focus my anger/guilt/blame towards the people who really deserve it. An example of that is the Nancy thing. I normally feel like the worst person on the planet and blame myself 100% because I did something that caused her to quit talking to me. However, Sheena points out all the time that I acted the exact same way with Joel and our friendship is fine. And I always try to remember as often as possible that I do have friends and family that really care about me.

My most oft-repeated quote to myself is from Sarah: “I couldn’t care less what you say. I’m your friend already.” And I know I’ve talked to some people about what we could do to make each other not want to continue the relationship, and for most people it’s “you couldn’t do anything”. I think that if a friendship isn’t like that, it’s not really worth the effort on my part. And if they don’t respect me enough to give me another chance to fix whatever I did wrong, then it’s not worth it either, which is hard for me to accept. I was telling my mom recently that I don’t know why a person would want to hold some phantom grudge, or to not want to have a friend. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a non-friendship. I don’t understand that kind of thing at all. So in therapy there has been a lot of talking about “I can only do what I can do” and I can’t make other people do things, etc. I have a lot of love to give, and I don’t get it when people don’t want it from me.

I’ve worked a little bit with various of the therapists on my childhood and what in it could be causing problems with me now. This took a LONG time to do. But finally we decided that:

1)      I never learned by example how to deal with emotions. Now, that manifests in me as not understanding what to do when I have intense emotions.
2)      My family didn’t respond to intense emotions. Now that makes me feel like I am not being heard/validated.
3)      I have had kind of a lot of experiences of people “leaving” me (Nancy for example), including my mom to a certain extent. That causes me to have a GIANT complex about people leaving me. Bad all around and it’s the most difficult for me.
4)      One of the more recent ones we talked about was the amount of drama in my family. I hate it, but I am subconsciously drawn to it because it’s what I know. It’s exciting at first, but at some point it comes back around to me and that’s when I get in trouble.

Another huge part for me has been learning about the grieving process, which goes with #3 above. Did You Know? It’s not just for death. It’s for when you lose anything – a job, success, relationship, house, etc. That knowledge has helped me so much that I ALMOST look forward to losing something so I can go through it again. That’s a terrible thing to say, but it makes sense from the standpoint of  really liking to fix things in a process that’s super-defined. This is so researched and studied that it appears kind of scientific in my mind, and I can go through it like a computer. Believe me, I’d rather have the thing in question than lose it – just to get that straight.

Family Gal

Ahh…well, my dad lost his job, my mom is insane, my stepmother never stops asking me about grandkids. I don’t feel like writing much more than that. Suzanne is fine! Meredith is also ok but she had a rough time there for a while.

Flashing Lights

I didn’t know what to put as a title for this part, so I put a song by Kanye West that I like. This is just a potpourri category.

The book club that Laura and I were in disintegrated this year. Rest In Peace, book club with a hard-to-read girl, really quiet girl, and other Liz! It was fun while it lasted.

Here is a funny blog entry I found: Apparently Coldplay signed a contract with Comedy Central. (I'm making this up by the way). This is what the contract said. "We, Comedy Central, agree to play your ad at least twice every commercial break."

Obama song: please see http://elizabethinstpaul.blogspot.com/2008/11/obama-song.html

This ended up to be The Soup’s Clip Of The Year!!! http://elizabethinstpaul.blogspot.com/2008/11/review-this-record-officer.html

Party Like It’s 2009

I hate that I wrote that, but I couldn’t not write it.

I don’t really have that many plans for this year. I guess I just want to get through the next couple of months. I still need to kind of recover from my breakdown or whatever it was. They are helping me with that part at the hospital. I would also like to stop drinking leaden Mountain Dew if possible. Not going to go too wild, though.

Headlights

I really need new headlights but I am unsure how to buy them and which ones to buy. I drove home from Rochester today and I started a little later than I wanted so it was a partially dark drive.  Also, it was icy.

My car was covered in at least a quarter inch of ice. I used about half my bottle of Rain-X De-Icer, which comes in a neon orange bottle. It didn't help at all, so I turned on the car and let it defrost for about 45 minutes. Then the windshield and a third of the driver's side window was clear. Then I drove a little bit, stopped, and chopped the rest of the ice off using brute force.

As I was driving I encountered 2 or 3 plows/salt spreaders. This is fine until a truck passes me on newly salted road. It happened twice and it is SO freaky. An inordinate amount of dirt and salt completely covered my car and I couldn't see. I remember now that this was a real problem on my trip home from Madison last year. Some semis are really inconsiderate with that. Sometimes there isn't much they can do, but they should try not to change lanes right in front of a car.

Of course, I ran out of wiper fluid. In my car I had a small amount of Rain-X De-Icer and some Windex. The Windex was frozen. So I had to pull over and toss the rest of the De-Icer on the windshield and hope that it was enough to get me to a gas station. The next gas station I found was in this weird-ass tiny town that I always get a weird feeling from when I go by it. I also don't like that area because it seems especially dark. The gas station was very strange to get to and at one point I was sure I was just driving into the ditch. Anyway I reached it and sat in the car for a while. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go in, mostly because I only had a credit card and I only needed wiper fluid. However, I was also weirded out and didn't want to get weird looks or something. It was not a comfortable situation. I was sure it was going to be a creepy guy and didn't even know if they would have wiper fluid. But finally I went in and they had some, and it was a girl who was really nice, so it was fine.

Then I made 7 wrong turns and finally got back on the highway and was really glad I had stopped because I immediately got salted again. By then it was dark so I would have had to stop again. My headlights are really bad.

I did find a silver lining though: with all the salt, the roads are white, so I could see them a lot better. :)

So that was my adventure. My poor car was beat up today. I think that I further injured the waterproof seals on the doors (they were already kind of bad). I am working on 2008: The Year In Elizabeth, and it will be ready in the next few days.

Katy Perry

Here's a link to a blog post that I think is good. Katy Perry is just terrible. I have never heard of anyone except Sarah who mildly likes anything about her. And I read and listen to quite a bit of pop culture stuff.

 

http://www.spin.com/blog/why-i-hate-katy-perry

Blah blah blah, Happy New Year, etc.

I had an ok night and day. Last night Emily came up here and we went to L&M's. It was fun, but I got really tired. Then I didn't sleep enough. Emily and I went to lunch today and then to "Doubt". It was ok. I almost fell asleep a few times. Then Emily left and I got really pissed off for some reason at humanity. I tried distracting myself and it worked ok I guess. I worked on an oil pastel thing I'm doing and watched First 48 and Sophie's Choice. Sophie's Choice was a lot less sad than I expected, but I think it's because I've heard about it for forever so I cushioned myself.

I'm still a little pissed off. Actually, truth be told, I'm a lot pissed off.

I called my mom because it's her birthday today. She's still in Las Vegas. She's having a terrible time and she cried on the phone.

Well, I guess I just have to get through tomorrow. I'm going to Rochester on Saturday. I have to go to work tomorrow but probably nobody will be there, which is fine with me. I had a great time on Wednesday.