Are you fucking serious?

This is what our world is like in 2008.



In other, far cuter news, here is a picture of my cat from this weekend.

Ugh

So this morning I noticed Joel was acting weird, and Nancy was still not talking to me. I asked Joel, jokingly, if they had a meeting about not talking to me. To my surprise, he said yes. I was still thinking he was joking but he wasn't. He was like "It wasn't pretty and I am not telling you details. I'm not discussing anything with you anymore." I'm in shock. I have absolutely no idea what I did. He's been gone for the last 5 or so days, too, so I couldn't have said something to him. And now basically everyone in Joel and Nancy's group is giving me the silent treatment. I can't think of anything that has happened or what could have caused this. I guess maybe my boss could have sent an email or something to their boss? But why aren't they telling me what it's about?

 

Anyway I feel like a complete outcast today and I have no idea why.

 

About 4 months ago or so a similar thing happened where my boss said not to talk to the other group. She told me it involved everyone but I asked other people and they had no idea what I was talking about. I think this is a similar thing. For some reason my boss and other managers seem to be singling me out. It sounds really paranoid but that's what's happening. Nobody else is having meetings about how to respond to individual people. Nobody else gets lectures about who to talk to, either. This is like the Twilight Zone or something. I don't get it. My office has THE worst office politics I've ever seen or heard of or can imagine. It's turned into psychological warfare or something.

 

I think tonight I'm going to email both of them and ask if they could at least give me a hint about something. I'm in a weird position right now. I understand they probably are being pressured, but I'm their friend. The least they could do is tell me if I did something or not.

 

This is all utter bullshit. I feel like crap. This is messing with my brain. Hopefully I can talk to casey tonight.

Wednesday night can't come fast enough

Nancy's mad at me now and won't talk to me. I'm not completely sure why, but I have been really pissy at everyone lately so I think I must have said something.

 

To answer Candy's questions from yesterday (I am just going to do it here): It's not because she wants to avoid conflict - I think she prefers to stir up conflict. The best I can guess is that it's just another way for her to force me not to have "power" that she doesn't. She has me completely under her control in every way. She assigns all of my work, she doesn't let me do other extra work (that would allow me to become a better worker and would also get more stuff done for the company), she doesn't let me bring up constructive ideas, and she even tells me who I can and can't talk to. If I ever talk to certain people within our company and she finds out, I always get a lecture. I'm not even exaggerating at all on any of that.

 

And also, about being angry, you're right, I don't get outwardly angry in a confrontational sense. I just get really pissy towards people in a more passive way, and I'm inwardly extremely angry. I've been extremely edgy at work and not my usual nice-acting self. Everything sets me off and causes me to respond back in a kind of mean manner. I really haven't been a pleasant person, I don't think. Which is probably why Nancy isn't talking to me. I haven't been very pleasant outside of work either, so I'm sure everyone I know is just delighted to talk to me.

 

My boss is definitely 90% of the problem. I've tried to talk to different people about it but nobody can really do anything. It would help if I could move out of this position into somewhere where she isn't my boss, but I don't think that's going to happen. So, I need to leave. The other 10% of the problem is just the organization of our company. It's like rotten from the inside or something. Actually in my mind's eye I see it as a bowl of jello. It seems like just random crap going everywhere and being confused.

 

Hopefully I'll be able to get this crap out of my head on Wednesday and Thursday so I won't be pissed off at the wedding. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Anger management

Do I need anger management or something? Seriously, I think I sometimes have a problem. Anyway, I'm looking for a new job when I get back from vacation. I really, really hate my job right now. That's not even the half of it. I have gone through many phases in the past few weeks regarding my job. Just now I reached despair and rock bottom. Funny, I have a certain sense of calm now. The eye of the storm, perhaps. I'm officially past the point of trying to change anything here. This place is so messed up. I had a little bit of optimism before and thoughts that maybe with enough hope and work I could make things better. A resounding NO has been forcefully shot back at me into my forehead. For one thing, I asked my boss point blank last week if I could bring up a concern with someone. She said no. What the fuck? Seriously? No? I was basically asking her as a courtesy so she'd know I was going to do it. Whatever. No it is then. Jerks, all of them.

Bridezillas

I was just watching Bridezillas and the one tonight was quite the "keeper". My god, she was a bitch. I have a hard time thinking of people who seem so truly bitchy in every sense of the word. There have been 1 or 2 on this show who I can't believe anyone would ever marry. People like that make me wonder why I, one of the nicest people I know, don't even have a boyfriend. Yes, I realize it's conceited to say I'm one of the nicest people I know, but seriously, I do consider myself on the kind end of the spectrum. While that might not completely apply to the relationship end of things (though I do think I'm still nice in relationships, I just might have other issues), these ladies are ridiculous. This lady tonight - I've never seen anyone behave like that towards anyone. I can't believe that guy married her. Plus, he has been with her for 6 years. I almost wonder if he has a fear of non-commitment. Sort of like what I think girls have. A fear of being alone, I guess. God help that dude. This other lady was sort of a bitch but it was more generalized instead of directed at her husband. She was just a mean person who didn't know manners. The lady tonight specifically berated her husband about every possible thing he did. She told him to shut up every other word, etc. Like I said, I've never seen a person behave like that towards anyone. There was never any niceness at all from her, not even at her ceremony. Ugh. I'm glad I don't know her.

Yay!

If a reader of this blog were so inclined, he or she could go to my facebook page and notice that the guy I've been talking about for the last couple of weeks is my newest friend on facebook. He did that himself. It saved me some more brain-ache because I had been trying to figure out how I could non-creepily do that. We were talking tonight and he is so cute. Somehow I managed to be able to get him to talk to me first, which he's done the last few days, and I have to say it's kind of a relief. This is turning out surprisingly and suspiciously well so far. I also can't stop talking about it, which I assume is really annoying for anyone I know.

But let me talk more about it. Because you can skip this part, and if you're talking to me in real time it's harder to skip it. We talked in Icelandic and it was so fun, and we talked about Germanic languages. Who does that??? We decided we had to have met before in Madison. Ahhh...he's so sweet too. I'm so glad about that. I appreciate it when guys are not jerks right off the bat and are in fact the total opposite. I also made a joke about how I'm in real life made of silver and am a robot, because of my facebook picture that I said was in no way Photoshopped. And he said "we'll see soon for sure!" :) What else...oh, he asked if I knew about the UW Icelandic dictionary, and I said, "know it? I worked on that" and he was excited. And I showed him the page there which lists my name at the bottom. :) :) And we talked about music! And iambic pentameter! And Icelandic sagas! And how this one Sigur Rós song is best described as "tragic"! And how we'd never want to be 15 again!

 

I think it's safe to say this conversation went better than the last one. Thank goodness. I'm still greatly nervous about the whole deal, but I REALLLLLLYYYYYYYY REALLY REALLY like him.

Verbal diarrhea

That's the word I was looking for last night.

 

Wow, I had an awesome start to the week. I learned that our company is instituting mandatory vacation for some people in order to cut costs. So guess who's stuck alone at work for the next two weeks? Yo. Then I got yelled at immediately when I got in for some convoluted crap that I don't even really care about anymore. Then I did some work and my boss went around and passed it off as her own. I kind of expect to be fired in about two weeks so don't be surprised if I come back from my own vacation without a job. I'm so over it. I currently could not care any less about my job. After Thursday and Friday (where I got continually lectured to all day) I have built up a heart of steel. I hate my job with a passion...but nobody would ever know. I think I'm too easy to get mad at or an easy scapegoat or something. I was upset on Thursday. Then on Friday I was mad. Today, I just quit caring. The last three days at my job have been ridiculous. I honestly don't think the company is going to last much longer. It's total chaos there. And then they institute mandatory vacation. Whatever. If I get fired, good riddance. I really hate my job. I really, really do. How and why did I stay there so long?

 

Anyway, I'm also getting a cold and I just popped about 27 pills so I'm going to take a nap before I have to get up in like 5 more hours to go back to my awesome cube and withstand another day of shit from everyone who encounters me. Also, I'll do some work and someone else will say they did it. Then, someone will tell me I have to work on something immediately that I've never seen before, and it needs to be done in 5 minutes. Then when I don't get it done, I'll get in trouble. Then people will come in and complain to me about something. Then I'll get attitude from people. Then I'll get excluded from meetings I need to go to, and emails I need to read. Then the next day someone will yell at me for not having followed directions on the email I didn't get (that actually happened today). Then I'll go talk to Nancy and get a lecture about it. You know what happened last week? I was looking for a spreadsheet on a network drive we have, and I found out by accident that some people had moved all the spreadsheets two months ago and didn't tell us. I was so mad...I told my boss and she told her boss and then it was brought up to the people who did it and they basically said "Tough shit". Whatever. You cost me two hours of my time which could have been saved by CCing me on an email. That's the kind of shit that happens. It's just, people tell their friends information, and you have to be lucky to get information you need to do your fucking job. I hate that place.

Bah

I just talked to C for a couple hours and I feel not so great about it. I kind of was weird, I don't like how I acted. The crappy part is he's gone (ironically, to Duluth and Madison) for the next 7 days. And then we can talk for like 1 day and then I'm gone for around 9 days. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like an idiot. I went off on Sigur Ros and Coldplay and stuff. I was just excited because he started the conversation, which has never happened. Blerg, I can't stop my idiotic brain from spewing forth crap without any kind of stop. I can't do that. Ok, I just need to realize that that's how I am. I'm a moronic brain-spewer and if that bothers him I guess it's not meant to be. He didn't seem to be that put off by it, in fact he seemed completely normal so I really hope I did not do any damage. My problem is when I start talking about myself, which I have been trying not to do for some reason, I inevitably say something that doesn't sound right and then I have to figure out how to give an explanation and it just snowballs into a huge thing. God I'm an idiot. Ah well, he seemed fine and was funny as usual and so cute. So hopefully it's fine. Actually, I showed him my website and I seemed a little self conscious about it so he sent me some of his music and said that since I showed my work he'd show his. :) V. sweet.

Odd connection after odd connection

So I was talking to the guy I like tonight, and we found out that we worked at the same library in college at the same time, possibly on the same floor. I couldn't believe it. Sometimes I wonder if he is the same person as me. Actually I just can't get over the fact that he knows Icelandic. I have been thinking about it, and in the back of my mind that is a really important thing to me, but I sort of ignored it because nobody knows it. It's hard to talk about with anyone, even though I'd love to discuss it 100% of the time. So it is constantly a really nice surprise to say stuff that he actually knows. He likes languagey stuff a lot. Tonight we talked briefly about nerdy word stuff. I'm in heaven! See what I mean though? He likes my same bands, and all the rest of the stuff I mentioned - if you were to only know the stuff I told you, you would think he was me. Really he's not though. Mostly because he is a guy and I'm not. But also because he's pretty different than me in some ways. Such as, he works 60 hours a week. I don't do that. Also, he has more education than me. So know you know the key differences. 1) guy, 2) work volume, 3) masters. Also, he is taller and has a different color hair. That may be it, though. (Ok, it's totally not, but you get my drift here I hope)

choke/vomit/faint/die/other body functions

I just asked the guy that I like out and he said yes!!!!!!! Oh shit, now what do I do????????????????????????????????????????????

Dentist

I went to the dentist this morning. At 7. It was early. I had a pain in my tooth so I was kind of nervous, especially since I hadn't been there for probably 4 years. But they did some tests, and they said "your teeth look perfectly fine". I have to get a replacement filling because one is almost gone, but apparently the pain is from stress or some kind of trauma like biting down too hard! And he gave me an exercise to de-stress my teeth. I was like, did I go to a homeopathic dentist or something? Hahaha...Anyway I got lucky. Nothing was painful at all and I can't believe they look fine. And I really like that dentist so it turned out really well. And it's right next door to where I live so I just walked.

 

P.S. NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I USE A STRAW????

A Point For Me!

I gained the guy's email address and IM!!!!!! (The other day when we were talking it was just within the same website at which I located him)

 

Things are looking up! This makes up for my "accident" today! (Which I foolishly told everyone about and then got made fun of all day long)

 

I am also feeling good because I finally got my economic stimulus check yesterday.

 

P.S. I am doing a website for my uncle, who runs a music company. I have seen some interesting things on his website. It kind of confuses me. One question though. Let's pretend Jesus were to return to Earth tomorrow. Would that be considered the Second Coming? I'm doubting myself because one of my uncle's albums is called The Third Coming. I was like, is that even a thing? I'm totally confused now. Plus, on the description he talks about all kinds of gods and stuff, not just Jesus, though the cover of the album has a picture of Jesus on it. He insists that album is not religious. I'll have to give y'all the URL when I'm done. My uncle is a very odd person.

Idiot (me)

I just went to lunch with Nancy, and on the way back (I was driving) I got into my first car accident of my driving career. Of course, the law was in effect under which I only do stupid crap when someone else is in the car. I drive perfectly when I'm alone. Nobody's going to want to ride with me anymore!! :( Anyway I was turning right and my turn was too wide and I just hit a car that was coming the other way. It wasn't hard. The guy actually laughed and drove off, so no biggie I suppose. His bumper was already smashed up. I have a crack in mine now. Nancy thought it was funny. I just feel like an idiot. Ah well. Nancy was telling me "Why didn't you stop?!?!?"

Jimmy Eat World

Here is a video I took tonight at the Jimmy Eat World show. Ok, this isn't looking half as good as it does on my computer. Sorry about that. But I guess you get the idea. They're playing "Lucky Denver Mint". The show was really good. I loved it. And Jim is so sexy. I think I have mentioned it before, but Jim Adkins playing and singing is probably the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Ben Gibbard also elicits a similar response from me, but Jim is really over the top. I think it's because he always gets completely soaked in sweat. Then he always flings his head around and sweat goes flying. I love it. The way he moves is just ahhh. I've seen this band maybe 5 times and every time it's been excellent. They are a great band. I will try to process my videos more at some point and get some stills out of them. I don't think the stills I took are that great. Jim is the one in the middle.

To further my thoughts on this, I found this listi yfir beautiful people that I made a while back. By the way, listi yfir means list of in Icelandic. It's just a thing that's stuck in my head.

Speaking of AVC

I highly recommend today's Hater. I saw this commercial many times over the weekend and was happy to see it posted on Hater. But totally read all the comments. This is one of the funnier comment collections I've seen. I'm crying over them.

 

http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/never_forgetting_has_never_looked

AV Club idea

On AV Club blog today there was a thing for picking an album for every year you were born. I guess it's going around the blogosphere. I feel horrible that I just used that word. Here is mine. I pretended I was born in 1994 because I don't particularly love anything from before then. Look on wikipedia if you want to do it. They have listis yfir albums per year. It's fun!

1994 "Grace" Jeff Buckley
1995 "The Bends" Radiohead
1996 "Tidal" Fiona Apple
1997 "OK Computer" Radiohead
1998 "Something About Airplanes" Death Cab for Cutie
1999 "Ágætis byrjun" Sigur Rós
2000 "Parachutes" Coldplay
2001 The unfortunately titled "Bleed American" Jimmy Eat World
2002 "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" Coldplay/"Lifted" Bright Eyes
2003 "Michigan" Sufjan Stevens
2004 "Funeral" Arcade Fire
2005 "Illinois" Sufjan Stevens/"Takk" Sigur Rós/"I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning"/"Digital Ash in a Digital Urn" Bright Eyes
2006 "Putting the Days to Bed" The Long Winters
2007 "Neon Bible" Arcade Fire
2008 "Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust" Sigur Rós

Swoon

I listened to the music today. So good. His voice sounds a little like David Cook (that's what came to mind anyway). Maybe I should call him David Cook on my blog.

 

David Cook's music is really introspective and quiet, yet his voice sounds really strong and like it's about to break out of the song.

 

:D

 

God I hope there isn't some way David Cook could somehow find my blog. (Not the real one, I wouldn't care about that)

I'm on top of the world!

i just talked to THE GUY (ok, can i give him a fake name or something? i'll think about it) for 3 hours!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D i feel so delighted! we said icelandic words to each other and i told him he was cute. :D oh yes and he gave me some of his music to listen to (he's recorded some). I haven't listened yet though.

Cesspools

I've been googling for a while trying to find this quote from Saves The Day about how message boards are cesspools of ignorance and hatred. It's true. I can't find it though.

 

I'm having a shitty day, which hasn't been helped by my attempt to get some help on something I was working on from people on a message board. I always take things personally. I just looked at the CP one for the first time in years because I know I had the cesspool quote on there, but it's not there anymore. I did see 3 emails from 2004, though. I'm surprised they're still there. It's funny to see all those people. But I'd rather kill myself than try to post on there again. UGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also just searched for my old old boyfriend from like 8 years ago, which is never a good idea for me to do.

 

But, I have gotten a couple more emails from THE GUY and am looking forward to another one, hopefully tonight. I'm not quite to the point where I feel like I can ask if he wants to meet. I've only known about him for a week and a half.

 

The AV Club is one different message board; I think partly because it's just comments. I haven't ever gotten personally offended at something on there the way I do from other ones. Also, almost every single thing on there is funny and for the most part it all stems from the same subject (whatever article you're on). In that sense it seems quite a bit less childish than certain other places. Also, the people are older and therefore hopefully more mature.

 

Well, I'm going to try to continue on my project WITHOUT help so I can maintain my peace of mind. Later.