Houses

I am going to look for houses this week and weekend. Gotta get my butt in gear. So, everyone, this is your notification that I am going to look for houses.

I just got my car fixed - new brakes and spark plugs and wheel alignment. It's so nice now!

Today

Today was a shitty day, no surprise. I have never felt so worthless and pointless in my life. What's the point of even writing this? Nobody cares, not even me. This blog is ridiculous and so is my existence.

Outing

I went on a short outing today that involved about 45 minutes at the very most outside in cloudy weather and maybe an hour in the car, and I just noticed that my sunburn has deepened. I wish I remembered more often that a) I sunburn when it's cloudy and b) It only takes like 10 minutes to burn in sunny weather and probably 20 in cloudy. I stupidly didn't think I needed sunscreen. I didn't think I'd be outside long enough. Thank God I at least put some moisturizer on my face that had SPF 15. That probably saved me a lot of pain.

::Roasts, takes bite out of arm:: MMM!

Holy shit, how can you text 100 words per minute? That's way faster than most typists. That must use T9 or something. However, I call bullshit.

Beds

I have never enjoyed my bed as much as I did last night. Nothing like days of sleeping on the ground to get your sleeping priorities straight. SO COMFY. I'm going to eat pancakes now!

Kitty

I miss my kitty already.

Drunk

I have no tolerance left for alc. I am going to try to write a blog entry.

Today was a shitty day. I have a lot of those. It was a little different than usual. It wasn't depressed, just angry. 

I have this issue where if someone says something negative towards me about my mood, it really really upsets me. 

I don't really hold back with what I say, so that means people hear the good along with the bad, and a lot of times I have a lot of bad moods in a row. I think that most people are like that. Maybe I talk too much or something.

I can only really think of three times where someone directly said something to me about my mood, and one of them was today. It was then hinted at that I was overreacting. I guess to that person's perspective maybe I was. They don't know that it really bothers me.

The reason I had to go to the hospital for so long was because I am really ashamed of having a mood disorder and I have an irrational worry that everyone hates me because of what it makes me do. When someone "Confirms" that in my mind it just isn't good, to say the least.

I know I am a good person, but there are things that people say to me that make it seem like having depression outweighs any kind of good person I am. For me it raises a combination of anger and sadness. What percentage of happy do I have to be for someone not to hate me, not say mean things to me, or start talking to me?

I need to stop twitter because I am not going to stick around a place that hurts me like that. I don't deserve to feel bad about myself, and I do feel bad about myself 90% of the time on there. And it shows in what I talk about. I am not happy with how things go there. I don't fit in and it doesn't fit with me. Today was the last straw. It's not worth it anymore.

The last two times someone said something like that to me, it took me a long time to realize that I don't actually deserve to feel bad about having mood problems. It's something that I have, and I'm dealing with it, sometimes badly, sometimes really well. Those people that said things to me don't have to deal with it, they don't know what it's like, and they don't have any basis for making comments. Whoever tries to use that against me is just mean. I don't have to punish myself by sticking around, and I won't.

All right

My back is killing me because the sink is too fucking low and I just gave all my money to the hospital (ahem, in bills, not charity), but all is well because I cleaned my car, made myself a really good smoothie, and I only have 4 days left of work.

UGH.

I just started feeling like I was going to go into a depressive episode and I was going to go on Twitter to talk to my friends and it went down. F U STUPID WEBSITE THIS IS THE REASON I DON'T LIKE YOU

My eyes just popped out of my head

I was just reading up on the guy I mentioned earlier who's an etymologist. I was mainly looking to see if he was married. :D He is 45 years older than me, so never mind, but just look at what I found:

 

"His main graduate works, written under the auspices of the renowned philologist M.I. Steblin-Kamensky, focused on Middle English and Icelandic phonetics." DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE YOU KNOW???

 

I am just getting a huge kick out of this. I read a little bit of the blog and am extremely impressed and entertained. I'm going to read some more and then I am going to email him. I just can't believe someone's brain can contain that much information.

 

What really got me, though, is that in the entry I was reading, he mentioned in passing "descriptive grammar", which is a topic I've tried and failed to explain to all of you guys (especially Sarah) many times. I feel a lot more validated now. It wasn't something I made up in my mind! God, I love finding stuff like this.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anatoly_Liberman

New favorite blog

http://blog.oup.com/category/reference/oxford_etymologist/

 

I heard this guy on the radio this morning and fell in love.

I am an idiot

Sometimes I cannot even begin to fathom the great degree to which I am a total moron. Just now, I experienced such a time.

 

Seriously though, I don't know how I manage to make the mistakes I do. It almost seems impossible. It's like if I were to be walking along a sidewalk for 20 miles and there was one foot-sized hole somewhere along there, way on the side, and I managed to step in it and it would trip me and propel me into the nearby traffic where I would get hit by a semi, and become paralyzed.