Being a fan

Sarah was talking about this girl she encountered on her bus from Chicago who said she was Coldplay's #1 fan. That put me on a track of thinking about what a fan is and what would constitute an actual #1 fan.

I will use Coldplay as an example, since I obviously know Coldplay fandom pretty well, and I'd like to say up front that, in case you wonder, I don't consider myself their #1 fan.

I think it's probably really variable. I also think there are a lot of different classes of fans. Such as casual ones, ones who can pay $8 billion to fly all over and see concerts, ones who love Chris Martin, ones who are helped emotionally by their songs, etc.

I was thinking about what class I would consider myself in. It was hard to come up with something. I think I sort of consider myself, or rather my life and existence, "interchangeable" (for lack of a better word) with the band. Part of this is that my "relationship" with them (it is so hard to describe this in words) is way beyond liking songs, being affected by them, or even appreciating things they say and do. It's like a very strong love, in some ways. It's very difficult to explain. The best I can do is to say that I consider us the same entity. That sounds really weird. I don't consider myself part of the band or anything weird like that. But tell me this: when you hear anything about them, who do you think of?

Also, I don't know if anyone else has this happen to them but sometimes when I look in the mirror I get this weird feeling like "who is this person" and it's a really weird out-of-body experience for a second. I've had that all my life. The same thing happens anytime I'm seeing Coldplay. Especially recently. It freaks me out to see them at times. And I am always very nervous and critical in a way of them, like I would be for myself.

It's all very strange because I've had no personal contact with them as people. Yet, it happened. It's weirder for me than it sounds, let me tell you. But hey, what can I say?

An online friend of mine once speculated that songs had "souls" of sorts, in the way that you could feel very connected to them and even feel they are kindred spirits. That's the way I feel about "The Scientist." The way I react to that song cannot be expressed in words. Of course, what you see is crying, but what is in my mind is a strange, ethereal thing that can only be expressed outwardly by crying. A very, very strong and intense bolt of energy. All I can really try to say is that instantly, when I heard the first note the first time, I died or something. It was weird. And it happens every time. It has nothing to do with the words particularly, or anything about the background info of the song. It just is what it is, and I think that what my online friend Fiona (not Apple) said is an interesting view on it.

So that is the type of "fan" I am. It was largely uncontrollable by me, from the very first moment they appeared to me to this instant right now. In fact, the first instant I heard of them was a lot like when I first heard "The Scientist"--an incredible bolt of energy that I couldn't ignore. And they still give me energy that has fueled so much of what I've done, and comfort, and love, and everything good a person can imagine.