entry of no real consequence

funny thing about the subject line: i at first wrote "og" instead of "of" and "og" means "and" in icelandic. so i said "entry and no real consequence."

so i've been wanting to write about this for a while, but haven't, for one reason or another. disclaimer: you may think i'm a total tool, as i said in my subject line. be that as it may, i'm going to swallow my pride and just write about it anyway. feel free to not read, or not comment, or whatever. i don't really care.

so the deal is that i'm having a lot of residual anxieties about the whole Tom thing. i have been talking about it to brighton a little bit, who has been very helpful, and has guided me out of severe pain a few times. a couple of weeks ago it was really bad. i began writing an entry in here about it but then discarded it. i wasn't even going to write about it now except that i felt i should for a couple of reasons i will explain later.

mainly i've just been miserable thinking about various things that we used to talk about. lately i haven't been too upset about telling him how i felt. instead i'm just sad thinking about things, and wishing i could still talk to him. the worst part of it all is that i can't talk to him. if i could wish for anything in the world, that would probably be it.

i used to write him letters all the time (and not give them to him, of course). i started back in 2004 sometime when we lived on mifflin and i filled up an entire notebook. i kept it in careful posession and then a little while after i moved here i destroyed it. i'm sort of regretting that now because i feel that by destroying all of that, i will forget everything that happened. and in a way i don't want that to happen.

i'm being a lot more objective (is that the right one? i can never remember) about it now than i was a week ago. a week ago i was in madison and after sarah left i was going around state street. i was going nuts thinking about him. i knew he was not a mile away. brighton would have killed me if i went to see him, or talked to him at all (can you believe i haven't said a word to him in all this time?) so i didn't go to see him, don't worry. instead i walked around nearly crying for a couple of hours. when i got back into my car i had a nice sob-fest for about half an hour. then i had to get a drink at cap centre and my eyes were all red.

so anyway, being the psycho that i am, i drove myself over to the social sciences building. i just drove by, and said, "i love you tom" to the air. then drove off crying my eyes out and trying not to hit students.

i kind of drove off in a fog, and wasn't paying attention to most of what was going on. i've driven that route so many times that i was sort of on auto-pilot. some time maybe an hour and a half later i'm driving along merrily and look up at a sign in front of me. The sign is one of those overhead ones and says something about Tomah. However, there was a giant semi in front of me blocking part of it, and thus, I looked up and saw a giant sign that says "Tom." This brought out a fresh sob-fest.

a couple days ago i was googling him, for no real reason. i decided to type in his full name. i just did it again so i could report accurately. here is the very first item that came up: "I295414: Elizabeth ( - )" ...no joke. i type in his name and my name comes up. that was sort of depressing.

anyway, those two things were what i felt i had to share. the road sign and the googling. that should be a movie. "the googling." although it would bother me because it has an ing word.

as i said, i am nowhere near as pathetic as i was last week. i was so depressed at the thought of coming back here, and that i couldn't see him, etc. today my big item of thought was, however, if he ever wonders about me. i mean, he knows i loved him dearly and still do, and we were really close. for a while i was thinking about what to write in this entry and i thought i would write out his name so that when he googled himself he'd see this. because i know he googles himself. we did it one time at work. but again, brighton would probably have killed me. and i don't think tom would really appreciate it either.

it's just really sad, the whole thing is. i felt back then and still do that i can't really fathom how the universe works having me without him. it sounds really stupid but that is how i feel. it is torture to be away from him. i actually almost was physically nourished by being around him, like he was a source of energy or something. i used to think that he was absolutely perfect for me except that he liked japanese food and i didn't really. now, i think, if i end up with a guy who is half of what he is, i'll be ok...i don't think i'll ever find his equal, but i've resigned myself to that. who knows, maybe i'll be proven wrong. but at this point, that's what is in my mind.

anyway, i've been thinking lately, i'm a cool girl. i think i am pretty smart. and i like basketball and sci-fi, and i'm a geek. what kind of guy wouldn't like me? i guess a guy like tom. well, brighton said she thinks he had feelings for me and just got sort of scared, and thought that when he saw how i felt, he thought that it would be best to break it off cleanly. i think it couldhave gone better because we had a really painful "breakup" if you can call it that. as i said, if only i could still talk to him i'd be so infinitely better. but i guess he thought that would be a bad idea.

on a totally different subject, i watched the second "episode" of battlestar galactica tonight and it was excellent. i say that in quotes because it was a four-hour miniseries when it started. i used to dislike the series because i thought it was too hard-core for me, but honestly, all i needed to do was see this first miniseries thing. it was so good. can i do a synopsis? ok.

there is this civilization of people who live on a series of planets called the 12 colonies of cobol, in some remote galaxy. at some point in their history they create a bunch of robots. the robots then rebel and go away, and aren't heard from for 40 years. suddenly they come back and engage an attack on the series of human planets. the destroy absolutely everything and only 50,000 humans manage to escape (originally i'm sure they had billions or trillions or more). they go into deep space and for the moment are safe.

the coolest part is this. as they are sitting in deep space the commander of the galactica (the remaining ship) tells them what they're going to do. apparently there is a legend among them that there was a 13th colony which broke off a long time ago. the colony went to a place called earth. the commander says he knows where earth is and that they are going there to start their new life.

is that not cool? the idea that we actually came from some place insanely far away and that there are people just like us that we're akin to?

on stargate they have a really complicated theory about life on earth. but one thing i can explain quickly is that the pyramids are supposed to be remnants of an alien enemy ship. these aliens in particular pose as gods (there is ra, anubis, hathor, isis, etc). their ships have huge pyramids on them. and they have sarcophagus-es (sarcophagi?) once you learn the stargate mythology it's actually really interesting. i can't imagine how they originally came up with it.

and also, the whole spin-off show, stargate atlantis, is based off of the lost city of atlantis myth. they found atlantis in a different galaxy. originally it was all under water and when they got there it rose to the surface (hence the pilot, "atlantis rising").

well, time for a little reading. ciao.