the sitch

ok, here goes. as you guys probably know, tom was my boss. i knew him for two and a half years. i was deeply in love with him. and then i had to leave my job, and he got a new job at the same time (this was a year ago). i wrote him a letter at the time that explained a little bit about how important he was to me. i didn't say "i love you" or anything, but it must have been more than he was willing to hear. after i left i saw him one more time and i also emailed him i think twice, because i was frantic about what he was thinking. eventually he replied (over a month after i gave it to him) and told me not to contact him anymore. he said it was best to keep our relationship professional.

 

so that's the main reason i haven't contacted him in the first place. because he said not to. that's also the reason i said "force someone else to contact him" - because i am so paranoid about going against what he said.

 

here is what i know i'm thinking at the moment. i still love him very much. i miss him every day. i consider him my soul mate, if there is such a thing. i know that nothing's going to happen between us, because he doesn't want that, and currently i am willing to accept that. i worry about how i'm going to deal with other guys in the future, but i think the time has come where i need to just deal with that and to begin to move forward. it's been a year and i've been so...in pain, i guess, about the whole thing for so long. i have finally realized that i am at a standstill with this and i'm going nowhere doing what i'm currently doing. i am tired of being so hung up on him.

 

what is holding me up from "moving forward" is that i don't know why he told me not to contact him. i mean there are a million possibilities. is it that i freaked him out? is it that he really hates me? is it that i'm not a cool enough person? is it that he thinks i'm stalker-ish (i wouldn't be surprised if that was part of it, although i think i've proved myself well by heeding his wishes for a year). one possibility that brighton came up with that i think is maybe probable is that he felt the same way to a degree, but cared more about me being able to go forward in my post-college life without being attached to him. i think this is actually very probably because during the weeks/months before i left, he talked a lot about that. his number one advice to me was to detach myself from college life as soon as possible. he wanted me to do things differently than he did.

 

i feel like i need to talk to him again mainly because things ended kind of badly. i was really mad at him for a long time. i mean, he was nice enough in the "breakup email" (for lack of a better word) but i was so mad, and i sent a reply back that was semi-mean. so i want to apologize for that. i also want him to know the full truth about how i feel about him, and i want a true answer to the question of why he pushed me away.

 

i don't expect anything to happen from contacting him again. i would hope that he would feel happy from hearing from me again. i don't expect that he'll be like "oh, i love you too."

 

one risk would be that he'd freak out even worse and get a restraining order. ok, he'd never do that. unless i sorely misjudged his character. i know he likes me, but maybe girls liking him totally makes him go bonkers. i don't know. another risk is that he gets mad at me (which, as i am sure some of you know, is my worst nightmare). i don't really care what his answer is to the question. if he says he hates me (which he won't, unless again, i misjudged him and he lied to me as well - he told me many times he liked me). if he says it freaked him out, i would feel bad. but, i don't regret what i did. i'm sure there is a situation that would make me really upset. probably that situation is if his opinion of me totally changed and he thinks i am a psycho. but like i said, i don't expect anything from him anymore. i wouldn't hate it if he was receptive to that, but i don't expect it.

 

doing this isn't a big deal to me as far as confrontation goes. it will be about 100 times easier than giving him the first letter. that sucked. i was so nervous. and the tension between us at that moment was practically so thick it was opaque. and i know both of our minds were running a mile a minute. but neither of us said anything. so i just gave it to him and left. the risk this time is also way diminished. mostly because the worst case scenario already happened. things can really only get better. ok, they could get worse, but i almost don't care if things get worse. at that point i'd be like, "this whole thing is just screwed and i'm done." right now i am so confused that it's much worse for me than having no answer.

 

oh, well actually, a much worse situation is if he refused to answer again, or had a similarly confusing answer in some way. that would probably piss me off. if he said, "i really love you but we cannot be together because we're too different in age" - or something like that - that would really piss me off and confuse me. and by the way, the age issue probably is some consideration for him, and i always saw it as one of the main things that he probably saw as an obstacle. i never thought it was an obstacle myself, but i did think that it was probably one of the main things that kept him from doing something. if that makes sense. i mean, consider if everything else was the same, except we were the same age. i have no doubt we would be married by now. it sucks.

 

so anyway, i hope that all makes sense. and i apologize again for being so weird this week. i may have been pms-ing. who knows. later, dudes.